Originally published on LinkedIn on October 21, 2020
My parents routinely espoused “Children should be seen not heard.” They reinforced the necessity of obedience and restraint by giving me the book, “White Gloves and Party Manners,” an abridged version of the 879-page tome, “The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette.”
I read the book several times, not because I was necessarily enthralled with the content, but because I liked the illustrations of the young girls in party dresses. Subconsciously, I absorbed some of the practices from the importance of sending thank you notes to correctly setting a table, winding spaghetti around a fork, and saying “Please excuse me” when scooting in front of someone at a movie theater.
Manners, whether at home or on the job, are more important than ever, especially in these challenging times with people working remotely, isolated from friends and family, curtailed from doing routine activities, and perhaps struggling with economic and health issues.
Technology simplifies courtesy
In the “days of yore,” when the state-of-technology was clunky copiers that jammed daily, fussy fax machines, and adding machines that plugged into wall outlets, communications were limited to wandering over to someone’s cubicle, picking up the phone, sending a fax, or scribbling out a response, you either put in a #10 envelop with a postage stamp or manila interoffice envelop, usually with a dozen or so names crossed-off.
Correspondence took patience.
Today, you can instantly get an answer. The only latency is whether the person you’re contacting is tethered to their electronic device, be it a desktop or laptop PC, smart phone or smartwatch. Just as quickly, you can respond to others via instant message or slightly slower email. Simply click, type, or select an emoji.
Despite the speed and ease of today’s communication technologies, getting a response to a request can be a monumental effort akin to asking the respondent to strap on boots, trudge up a snow-capped mountain, and carry down a two-sentence reply. No doubt, being bombarded with dozens, and perhaps, hundreds of emails and instant messages can be daunting, but it’s the drudgery of today’s workplace, and certainly not an excuse for overlooking an issue in need of an answer.
Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”
-Emily Post, author and columnist
Particularly upsetting is ignoring the receipt of a requested piece of work, be it a sales report, chunk of software code, marketing communication, or spreadsheet. It sends the message, “I don’t have time to acknowledge your work.”
Worse is receiving an email when the recipient finally realizes what you completed, they desperately need to fulfill their immediate need. Then, when you don’t respond within 10 seconds, their instant messages, like BB’s, arrive at an increasingly frantic pace until you concede to their need.
Ghost is now a verb
When you fail to get a response after many weeks, disregard becomes ghosting, the colloquial term for ceasing all communication and contact with someone without apparent warning or justification. It’s the equivalent of going on a seemingly mutually gratifying date, and then not hearing from the other party, even though they commented they wanted to see you again.
Ghosting now applies to the universe of human interactions from interviewing for a job and not hearing back to losing contact with a high school buddy or family member because they don’t take your calls or respond to your emails and letters. Apart from the hurt is confusion. You’re left wondering what you did wrong to deserve being ignored.
The repercussions from being disregarded, even in the short-term, is the tendency to believe it’s okay to do the same to others. The result is no one is responsive or courteous unless their livelihood depends on being approachable, such as waiters, receptionists, retail workers, and front-desk staff. Even then, customer service isn’t always sterling, especially if you’re waiting on the phone or in a poorly staffed store.
Courtesy of a reply
It’s customary to see “RSVP” at the bottom of a printed or emailed invitation for a wedding or important occasion. It means “répondez s’il vous plait,” which is French for “please reply.” Perhaps because “RSVP” is so ubiquitously peppered on requests, it’s easily overlooked or more aptly, has lost its meaning.
Most people can attest to holding an event where guests failed or disingenuously RSVP’d. As a result, fewer or more people attend than anticipated, forcing the event planner to scramble, cutting or scaling-up food, seating, and resources, such as hand-outs. In a survey by the website The Salonniere, 30% of people who show up at parties didn’t RSVP.[1]
Etiquette books and articles recommend hosts call, text or email invitees who don’t respond. Even so, there’s no guarantee at the last minute they’ll make a contrary decision, showing up or opting to do something different.
It’s a sad testament to our modern times when people are perpetually at the mercy of people’s whims, whether attending an event, providing an answer to a pressing work-related question, or simply acknowledging a note. Worse, it’s perpetuating, creating a merry-go-round of uncertainty, never knowing what’s authentic, and what’s subject to change when associates, friends, and family decide to respond.
The dancer and actor Fred Astaire once said, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” The adage applies to all “walks of life.” When people demonstrate politeness, others are inclined to follow. With many of us frazzled because of a myriad of issues out of our control, there’s never been a better time to dust off one’s manners. Send an RSVP, compliment someone who seems down, slow down when someone is trying to merge into your lane, or simply respond to the emails languishing in your mailbox.
Thanks to Arron Choi for his fabulous photo on Unsplash
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Manners are appreciated more then ever during our lock down…not to mention our looming election day. Thanks for writing an insightful view of manners. Well done.