I have a confession. I’ve been working since mid-February. And while my contract ends in late June, there’s a high possibility it’ll be renewed.   

Nevertheless, I feel guilt.

Guilt that I’m working in my chosen field with the benefits that come with full-time employment. Guilt that I can wake up without the crippling dread of having to search and apply for jobs only to get “no thanks” emails sometime in the future (or worse, no correspondence).

Guilt that I don’t have to painstakingly prepare for interviews, visualize getting the job (even though I know it’s a long shot), and then impress the interviewer with my preparedness, only to be disappointed.

Guilt that I don’t have to stress over purchases because I know a paycheck is arriving soon. Guilt that I’m back to feeding my 401K. Guilt that if I have medical expenses, I’ll only pay a percentage of the cost, not the entire bill.

I winced when I read US job openings fell in March, the lowest level in more than three years. Equally, the number of Americans quitting their jobs fell to the lowest level since January 2021 because many employees recognize they may not be able to find something better.

I avoid looking at LinkedIn because my heart breaks when I see the posts of people who’ve been out of work for a year or more. And those who are now driving for Uber, delivering food, stocking shelves, or patching gigs together.

Even though I’ve been told my clients are delighted with my work, I can’t fully relax. I vacillate between guilt and the fear of having to look for another job. I worry a downturn will toss me back into the hopelessness of unemployment.

I carry this guilt and fear like a porter focused on each day, wary of the future.